Just Give It Up

There’s one word that is uplifting as well as frightening to me.  That word is surrender.  According to the Webster’s Dictionary, surrender means: 

to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand; to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

Scary, right?  For me….it’s a word I struggle with even now.  I like to be in control.  I like to know what’s going on at all times.  What am I getting myself in to so I know whether or not I want to continue down that path.  Lately, that hasn’t been working.  My need to be in control has only stifled my personal growth.  I have obsessed over things that are beyond my control.  Micro-managed my emotions that are too remnant of denial at some points.  Became anxious of a future that I can’t even see nor feel that tied to. 

So I’ve decided to surrender.  To give all of it away.  My fears, my past, my purpose, my anxieties, certain people.  I’m surrendering to a higher power.  What I do hold on to is the idea that there is something better out there for me.  I should know, I’ve been getting confirmations on that all day long.  The message has been clear; stop trying to do everything yourself.  When you let go of what you want and surrender to what “it” wants (it being whatever it is you believe in: God, Allah, Krishna, The Universe) you will find that you two may be in agreement.  Or maybe not.  That’s where the fear comes in for me. 

Maybe I’m so fixated on how I feel my life should be, that it’s hard for me to surrender.  But what do I have to lose?  When I lost control of my life in 2009, it turned out to be the biggest blessing for me.  I gained so much more from what I lost.  So I challenge myself today.  I’m surrendering to the will and the way of God.  Start figuring out what He wants from me….stop being selfish for a moment.  Because what He feels I should have….is WAY better than anything I could want for myself.  It’s time for me to get in line with this Universe again.  Get a balance.  And ultimately, get a clear focus on myself and my life. 

Mommy Dearest

If you have a close relationship with your mom, congratulations. If your mom is your best friend, consider yourself lucky. In fact, I envy you.

Since I was a kid, I always wanted that bond with my mother. I wanted her to share makeup secrets with me and comfort me when I get crushed by my first love. I longed for that window of opportunity to just be relaxed and comfortable with the lines of communication with my mom. I never got that.

What I got is an overly critical, pessimistic, sarcastic mother who thrived off of being in control, then throwing passive-aggressive temper tantrums until she got her way. Excellent provider, horrible mother. In the 30 years I’ve been on this Earth, she has never said she loves me. Never uttered the words. We don’t spend time together, I barely check to see how she’s doing, and because of past hurts, I don’t even share with her my inner thoughts or aspirations.

In spite of all that, I feel empathy for her. I think the reason she’s like this is that she doesn’t know how else to be. She doesn’t know how to be affectionate because she, herself, was never taught that growing up. The woman she spent the majority of her adolescent years around was her Aunt Elizabeth; a shrew who never married and hated kids. So if this woman molded her…it took me a long time to grasp this.

So I take precaution when I deal with Baby. I open communication a lot more. I spend even quiet time in her presence. We watch shows and movies together. Basically, I decided to be the mother I always wanted. In the hopes that Baby has the mom that she really needs.