We Need a Resolution

Another year behind me and I must say, this has been one hell of a year! For starters, I started my own blog. I stopped talking about it and just did it! I learned to leave my past exactly where it is, failed relationships and all. I took better care of myself mentally, spiritually, and physically. Lost 30 pounds. Pray every morning. Meditate every night. I stepped out of my comfort zone on my birthday. Did karaoke. I chilled by myself. Was comforted by beautiful strangers.

December 31, 2011….I was in deep meditation (yoga class) and envisioning how I wanted my year to go. I wrote one thing: To smile more. Now, as I smile on the way to hear The Roots live for the first time, I can honestly say I have one rule for 2013.

To live fearlessly.

See you all in 2013!!

My Ex Has a First Name

….and it’s Darryl.  Darryl was my last serious relationship.  I actually write about two ex in particular….it’s just that he won’t stay anonymous anymore (the second one, however, will….for the moment).   So why have I decided to actually say his name?  Well…the answer is simple.

Darryl changed my life.

I sorta talked about him in a previous post, but I wanted to really express what he meant to me.  When I met him, I was still in a re-building phase.  I had just spent time with my previous ex just three months prior.  He came to take me back to what we used to be.  I didn’t go.  I couldn’t go.  I knew deep down that something big was going to happen.  Then, Labor Day weekend, it happened.  This younger man took an interest in me.  Charismatic, charming, and a great sense of humor.  In a crowded club (which I was in three months prior with an ex, trying to calm him down to not get into a fight), we laughed.  We just had a conversation and laughed.  Then we danced.  His touch was so gentle; sensual.  I completely felt comfortable.  Numbers exchanged and we were able to talk all night (it’s easy to do when you’re unemployed and he’s a barber).  Every time we hung out, it turned into a date night.  We explored the city together.  One night, we’re in Target acting a dog fool….laughing.  Next night, we’re at an art exhibit.  Next day, we go to a jazz club just because the music sounds good coming from the building, or find ourselves on a rooftop on a summer night because their menu looked tasty.  We were carefree.  I was carefree.  There were no restrictions in our relationship.  We just had the day, that moment, and nothing else mattered.  I was defenseless with him.  I didn’t have to guard myself or worry about saying something offensive.  He took an interest in my daughter’s interests.  Even sat with her and drew anime with her.  Taught her about painting.  He was attentive.  I became something I’ve never been in a relationship: vulnerable.

He loved when I was just being me.  And that was it: I was able to be me.  I was defining myself and he was supporting it, even if he didn’t know it.  We were affectionate at every turn.  Couldn’t keep our hands off each other.  It was just different.  That’s what I needed…..different.  I needed a relationship that gave me the freedom of being able to be myself.  I needed to loosen up.  Darryl loosened me up.   I thank him for the year he was in my life.  I needed that year.  I needed our relationship. Now that our relationship is over and we barely speak to each other, I still look back at what we had and smile.  I don’t feel he’s the one that got away or even the one that I let get away.  He was the one who showed me who I can be.  I love her…and for that, I’ll always love him.  Darryl.

 

Intrepid State of Mind

I had a great conversation with an old friend from college last night.  Among catching up, I told him the story of a guy at my job.  I told him that when I’ve been around him, it seems as if he likes me, but hesitates with taking the next step.  Being that the feeling is mutual (or at least worth the exploration), I took it upon myself to get his number from the work database.  I felt empowered; taking initiative.  But then doubt set in.  I sent a text and he responded, even saying he was saving my number….but I haven’t heard from him since that day.  I voiced my concern to my friend and he informed me that this was a side of me he hasn’t seen before.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re becoming more aggressive.  Going after what you want.”

I never thought about it like that, so I decided to be honest with him.

“Truth be told, I wasn’t always like this.  I’m deathly afraid of rejection.”

“Well, rejection is a part of life and if he does, okay.  Most guys would love to have a woman like you approach them.  Just give this some time.”

After we said our good-byes, it hit me.  I’ve played it safe my whole life.  Even with being an impulsive person, I’ve really silenced the things I’ve wanted to do.  I’ve lived in fear of failing and of the unknown that I wasn’t able to grow as a woman.  But what did playing it “safe” get me?  I still lost everything and had to start over.  That was it.  That was the shift. Since I knew what taking the safe route does for me, I made up in my mind that I would live my life my way, on my own terms.  The more I come into my own and become comfortable in my skin, the more risks I’m willing to take.  I’m becoming undaunted by everyday life.  I’m becoming fearless.  Daring to dream and think bigger and better for myself, I’m starting to move closer to my true purpose in life.   There’s a power in embracing the unknown. A serenity in the uncertainty.  A peace of mind in your true passion, and not the one someone or something has carved out for you.  Keep in mind, I’m a girl whose whole existence was shaped by the opinions of others.

I’m finally becoming me.  Took me a while but now that I’m here, I’m not turning back.

It’s Christmas, Baby!

Let me start this post off by saying Happy Holidays from my blog to yours.  I was truly filled with the spirit today.  I had so much to be grateful for today.  For starters, I was able to afford gifts for my daughter….and it was everything she wanted.  She really appreciated the thoughts I put into her Christmas.  I’ve always loved a thoughtful gift and people really aren’t hard to shop for…when you take the time to listen to them 364 days out of the year. I got to spend the day with family that I haven’t seen in months.  And it was pure joy for me.  Being able to laugh and share stories and eat really, REALLY good (I know my aerobic instructors are going to have a field day with us when we get back in the gym).  I wasn’t bombarded with mass text messages, I kept my social media time at a bare minimum today, and I was just purely present. That’s what the spirit of Christmas is all about, right?  Loving the ones your with in the time you have right now.  So I can say without hesitation that I did that.  With my whole heart and soul.  

Go For It!

I can be impulsive at times. I seldom think things through before I do them which can make me a frustrating person to know. The moment you feel you have me pegged, I do something totally out of left field that’ll leave you scratching your head. Truth is, I enjoy life on a whim. I don’t like having everything planned out. In fact, my very last relationship allowed me that breathing room to be as free with him as he was with me. We planned not one date night, but when we got together we created memories. That isn’t the only thing I gained from just acting on an impulse. I’ve also:

1. Started this blog
2. Learned French
3. Joined the gym
4. Became a member of a bike crew
5. Found great local restaurants
6. Approached a guy and gave him my number

When something feels right, I go for it. I haven’t been steered wrong yet.

Thank You: Direct Deposit

Top 5 of the best things to come into my life. Actually, Top 3 if I’m to be completely honest with you. My very first job was at a restaurant. I was a hostess and in addition of being tipped out nightly, we received a paper check. I was young and didn’t think too much of it. I was finally making money. Then comes the pay day (usually on my day off) and I have to go all the way to work, just to pick up my check. Or I could just wait until I worked again. Which would be a few days afterwards. Oh, and that’s only on the times that the checks were there….on time.

Then it was actually depositing my check. Pre-debit card, I had to stand in those unforgiving lines. Fill out deposit forms. Stand in those long ass lines (sorry, I already said that). Post-debit card had me having to remember my account number so I can write it on the back…when I can get to an ATM. Well, several years later I got another job and my employer said something that changed my world.

Would you like to sign up for direct deposit?

Life changing. My check was there, right on schedule. No more waiting days for my entire check to be available (the fact that the bank puts you on a borderline allowance when you deposit more than $100 is beyond me). No more lines. No more memorizing my account number. Direct deposit made it so easy for my life, and I’m all about simplicity. So I’m grateful. So very grateful.

Thank You: Today

Today was just a good day for no other reason than it just was.  I woke up with a very positive attitude.  My hair laid exactly how I wanted it to lay.  The weather was just right (albeit drizzling) and every song on the radio was my favorite song.  The bus ride was smooth.  The trains were on time.  Starbucks wasn’t crowded.  Work was a breeze.  I had no attitudes in my office.  Everyone was smiling when they came in, a few even gave me compliments.  The rain stopped long enough for me to go to belly dancing class.  I got the routine down effortlessly.  We did floor work, which I love doing.  I caught every train coming home.  I had small talk with a nice stranger. Got home feeling refreshed.

Today was just a good day and I’m thankful when I get days like these. Especially on a Monday.

Thank You: 2009

Dear 2009:

You were, hands down, the lowest point of my life. I hated you, every minute of you.  We had a very tumultuous relationship, didn’t we?  From the moment you took away my Financial Aid from school that began a domino effect that led me back to my parent’s house, you were determined.  Yes, you were determined to wake me out of my sleep.  To throw me off my hamster wheel.  I bucked your authority because what you wanted for me wasn’t what I wanted.  I was comfortable making below minimum wage.  I was okay with being in a major that I liked, but didn’t love.  I was satisfied with being in a relationship with a man that I wasn’t sure was “the one” for me, but because he was a good man there was no reason for me to leave him.  You didn’t see that for me.  You didn’t want that for me.  So you stripped me of everything and that’s one thing I never was:

Vulnerable.

Because I didn’t know what was happening to me, I became depressed.  I felt my world spiraling out of control and I couldn’t do anything about it.  So I cried.  Slept.  Cried some more.  There may have even been a few angry shouting calls to the ex during that time.  I was a wreck.  I was thrown into you with no real navigation on how to get through it.  I was scared.  I was angry.  I was lost.  I never felt so alone in my life, 2009.  I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me.  Then one night, in the middle of it, you spoke to me.

You’re starting over fresh and new.  You were heading down a path that didn’t serve you or your purpose.  Your full potential wasn’t being met.  You were being everything to everybody.  I can’t even say you’ve lost yourself in the process because who you are is what everyone else has made you. You defined yourself by what others have said (and often times not said) to you.  It’s time, Tiffany.  This is the time to find out who YOU are.  It’s time to live for yourself.  It’s time to find out love for yourself.  It’s time to find out what you’re passionate about.

Then me and 2009 met and for the first time, I started to understand.  I began to put together the pieces that was me.  I began to go through the motions that I needed to go through in order to find out who I am, really.  What do I like, really?  What do I want, really?  As for the people I lived for?  Their words, thoughts, and opinions didn’t matter to me anymore.  Did you just get that?  I use to LIVE for the opinions of others, so they could dictate how I acted.  Now….thanks to you….it doesn’t matter.

I’m not the same person I was during my stay with you, and you should be proud of that.  Truth is, I’m better.  Bolder.  I’ve learned so much from you and if I never say it again, I needed you.  You are what I prayed for.  A new start.

Thanks for everything,

Tiffany.

Where You Been?

I know, I know.  I was suppose to be on here daily…and trust me.  My intentions were so pure.  So good.  However, life happened and it threw me off the main objective of this month: tis the season to be grateful.  Now, what could take me off track?  I’ll tell you.

1. Issues at work.  See, there’s a new employee in my department and basically….this newbie is trying to take my spot.  It wasn’t always like that, though.  There was conversations and a real need to want to have all of us work together as a team.  Now, it seems that the newbie turned into a tyrant.  Which….my boss doesn’t mind.  As long as the job gets done.  But I know deep down that the newbie’s harsh demeanor and ways of getting business done will come back to haunt her.  After all, there’s a reason why one department let the “newbie” go.  Needless to say, I let good old-fashion fear of losing my job and feeling that I wasn’t good enough take over my mind.

2.  Being friends with an ex on social media is proving to be one hurdle after another.  Just when I think I’ve moved past it, he updates and I semi-slip again.  He’s in a relationship with what seems to be a lovely young lady…and he’s falling in love.  Then of course, doubt of if I made the right choice to leave and the realization that he might have found “the One” and I thought that he was “the One” for me, took me to an unbelievable place in myself.  It took a lot of prayer to quiet that dark path in my life.  With every post he makes, I find peace within myself.  Because I know that the person that is for me, will finally be able to come into my life and those exes that I used to let distract me in my current relationships before, are no longer there.  He should feel lucky.  I have a tendency to hold on to a relationship that has past its expiration date.  This time around, I really am starting new and fresh.

 

So tomorrow, I will be back to being grateful again.  Attitude of gratitude if you will.  Ready to end 2012 strong.

Thank You: Dad

I am a classic daddy’s girl. My dad, not my mom, was the affectionate one. Everyday when he walked in the door, he wanted a hug and asked how my day was. When I had an issue with homework, he was the one who helped. When me and my mother would go at it, he would calm me down and talk me through it. I learned so much from him.

I learned how to compromise and hear people out. I learned how to listen faster than responding. I learned how to keep my cool when everyone wants to react. I learned to appreciate jazz. To eat slow. To always go for quality, and not quantity.

My dad didn’t treat me like a princess. He treated me like a person who would one day make her own decisions in this world. An individual. Independent and reliable. Even to this day, he’s my biggest adversary; coming to my defense if he feels I’m being threatened in any way. Willing to share his Sunday with me and talk football with me. Still offering advice in a way that doesn’t seem like scolding or condescending. I’m so thankful I was blessed to have a relationship with him. Thankful that he loved his family. Thankful that he’s still in my life.