Detours

Schedules.  Some people live their lives by them, other people can’t be bothered with maintaining one.  I’m somewhere in the middle.  But one schedule that I have grown to loathe is the bus schedule.  Anyone who takes public transportation can feel my pain.  We are slaves to their time, their schedule and since I started my job, I have been in such a tug-of-war with that schedule.

I’ve tried timing everything to the second.  I knew if I didn’t leave my house at a certain time, that I would miss my bus, which would make me late for work.  On the flip side, there are days (and by days, I mean every other day) where the bus came TOO early.  Needless to say, I began to hate schedules.  I’m not too huge of a fan of being bound by a set routine day in, day out.  I do like security, yes.  But after a while, I get bored.  The monotony of doing the same thing over and over makes me dull.  But last week, I got Google Maps (not a promo, but this app is the best!)

As usual, I’m running late for work; dreading waiting 20 minutes for the next bus.  So I pulled up my app and it gave me an alternative route to work. I can leave late and still make it to work on time?  Sweet!  So I hurried to the new stop.  The bus was packed, but friendly.  They knew this was my first time on their route and they chatted with me.  Asked me where I was going.  Told me where they were going.  Cracked jokes with the bus driver.  Then we got trapped in the horrible downtown traffic, but I didn’t care.  This was all new.  I loved it.  I got to see upcoming apartments and condos right across the street from the baseball stadium.  I knew where I was.  Downtown seemed so alive in the morning, and I was able to see it.  When the bus came to my stop, I was a full 30 minutes early….even though I was late leaving the house.  Got to work in enough time to pick up a chai latte.

Now you know I applied this to my life right?  

I understand the importance of a schedule.  Trust me, I lived my life based on a schedule. But after a while, that schedule bothered me.  You know the schedule; by 30, you’re suppose to have this house, this spouse, this job, this degree, whatever.  I revolved my life around that “schedule” and when my deadline was approaching, I started to feel flawed.  I wasn’t nowhere near who I was suppose to be by this particular time.  I was on a “schedule” but the question is, whose?  I had a choice to make.  I could stick to a schedule and get all the things I was suppose to have and live a mundane (but comfortable) life, or I could deal with the detour and see a side of life that I would’ve never been able to access or even appreciate.  Glad life tossed me into the latter.

Detours aren’t meant to deter you from your destination.  They’re meant to show you another way.  My way?  Definitely scenic.

Everyday Is The 14th, Right?

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Valentine’s Day has always been one of those holidays that I took seriously. When I was a kid, if I really liked you, I would put real thought into the Valentine’s card I gave you. I would get the class list, my mom would buy the multi-pack Valentine’s cards (usually Garfield because i loved that cartoon) and would look through all of them; saving the “Be My Valentines” for that special someone. These were like invitations to my heart and I only wanted the best. Imagine my surprise on the 14th when I just got a regular, “Happy V-Day” card with their name written on them (clearly by an adult).

High school was all about getting carnations. Who needs a card when a flower from a secret love was much more enticing. So then I’d be the best Nancy Drew I could be. I’d try to see if anyone was giving me a flower. But not just a flower, but the color of the flower. I was looking for white (secret admirer) and red (love). Sadly, on the 14th, I got neither. Four years I watched girls walk the halls with intrusive balloons and bears while I had nothing.

Now that’s not to say that I haven’t had a Valentine’s in my adult life, because I have. Twice. Both times I was expecting some grand gesture of love and admiration. I measured love based on the days and the actions. So of course I wasn’t grateful for the gifts because I was so wrapped up in the show of it all.

So imagine my surprise when I just applied what I expected on the 14th to my everyday life that the power began to ease up on today. I don’t knock those who go above and beyond to show love on today. That’s what today is about. But for me, it’s about showing love in a non-flashy way. Which is probably why I’m doing what I love today. All day.

Meet Riley(Inspired by Taren)

Riley has known about me longer than I knew about her.  I mean, I knew of her.  Heard stories about her, but I never knew that’s who she was.  Sometimes when I’m alone, Riley is the one talking to me.  At my high, Riley is there.  She talks the trash to the naysayers while I remain humble.  At my low, Riley is also there and I wish she wasn’t.  Like now, for instance.  I’m going on a juice fast next month (and the money I just spent on my juicer….goodness!) and I’m excited.  Going to research as much as I can.  Riley knows and she’s not a fan of it.  In fact, she told me why I shouldn’t.  The whole detox process, having to buy fresh fruits and veggies.  You’re suppose to be saving money.  What about the excess skin you’re going to get cause you know you can’t really exercise on a fast. Why now?  Wait until you’re ready.

No matter what step I want to take in life, Riley is there.  Offering her two cents whether I like it or not.  Riley is the most vocal person in my life and her chatter is the loudest.  What I have come to understand about Riley is that her opinion of my life is based in fear.  Afraid of the unknown and she’s all about familiarity.  Who do you think it was that kept me so bound to my past?  So I know you’re wondering, “Well if she’s all that to you, then why is she in your life?”  Good question.  Because as much as I’d like to dismiss her, Riley isn’t going anywhere.  Quite frankly, I can’t function without her.  See, when she speaks from a fearful place, I just have to remind her that it’s in that moment where I really have to push through to make whatever I have to do a reality (skydiving, anyone?).  When she wants me to be arrogant, I tell her that being humbled is the way to go.  We have to have a check and balance.  Riley can speak to me, but she doesn’t have to speak for me.  Still, I listen.  So who is Riley?

Riley is my ego.

Give your ego a name.  Once you’ve given your ego a name,  you automatically detach yourself from it.  – Taren Guy

Some Unholy War

I kept thinking I’m working with love. Come to find out, I’ve been fighting with it.

I was hesitant with this new guy. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to start dating again. I spent the better part of 2012 letting go of baggage and feelings (whatever feelings those were) of exes. I finally was starting off with a clean slate; no baggage and I was eager. Maybe too eager to start something new. I came with a new outlook. He came with red flags.

I’ve never met a woman I can trust.
I’m moving back in with my ex girlfriend and she don’t want me talking to and bringing any girls around.
I don’t want you talking to anyone else. I don’t want anyone else to have you.
I don’t like to go out on dates. They’re a waste of time.

It didn’t sound right. So I talked to my friends about it. They told me I was being unrealistic. That this was reality. That I was taking this too seriously. Was I? So I thought about it and one question popped up:

What are you rushing for?

It was out of fear. I felt like I should be in a relationship instead of letting things be organic. I’ll admit, his enthusiasm for me was a nostalgic feeling, but it never felt real. I can’t force love and I won’t settle. I got caught up of seeing couples in love daily that I felt this new guy was my opportunity to experience it again.

I will, because I believe in love. Just have to be patient and work with love instead of telling it what I want when I want it.