During an unusual downtime at my office, I found (okay, sought after) my favorite show: Girlfriends. I happened to just watch an entire season and this clip really stood out to me. Joan realizes that she isn’t fulfilled at her job and wants to leave, but instead of facing that fear, she lashes out at Lynn for not mailing in her application to Fashion Design School. The reconciliation scene where Lynn told Joan to “just take the risk” had me looking at my own life.
The past few weeks I’ve been unhappy. I rather sleep than engage. I witness daily a co-worker so adamant on competing with me and one-upping me to get privileges that I could care less to have. My job is fine, but it doesn’t move me. My living situation is laughable, but comfortable. The only time I really experienced true joy is when I was doing the writing challenge. I couldn’t wait to write a chapter. I know I need to move out, however my paycheck says otherwise for the prices per month to live in the city. As I type all this, I know it all boils down to one simple thing: a fear of the unknown. I’m scared of what’s next. I’ve been uncertain before and it was the lowest point of my life. I finally feel like I’ve rebuild from when I felt my life was in shambles, but it’s no longer good enough. I wanted out and didn’t know how to do it or where to start. Funny….that a scripted character told me what it is that I need to do.
Take a risk.
And I’m starting with this Editorial Fellowship. No writing credits. Didn’t go to school for it. It’s just a passion of mines to write and learn. I’m just going to fall and hope there’s a net below.
Disclaimer: The following is just the ramblings of a thirty-something with a lot on her mind and heart lately. Bare with me as I sort this all out.
I’m at this really weird crossroads in my life. You ever get the feeling that you’re destined for more than where you currently are? That there’s more to your life? Well, that’s where I am. It started out as a whisper last year and since then, it’s only gotten louder. The days I don’t hear it, I get scared. I’m scared because I feel like I may have missed out on an opportunity or I didn’t follow an instinct. I just fear of missing out or losing. So I pay close attention to every sign and every message. What have they been for me?
1. The value of time.
2. Steps to being creative.
3. Being open to love; both in giving and receiving.
4. Being blessed with new once I’m out the old.
Now I know these things and I get confirmation all the time then….the brick wall. There are days when I feel productive and other days I feel stagnant. I can see my progress and not see it in the same day. I don’t know where I’m going but I’m moving. Today, it just seemed to come at me at once. The nagging sensation that there’s something better for me. That where I am now is nice, but not great. I want to move forward, but don’t know where to go. It almost feels like I’m being pushed in a direction and I can feel my feet dragging on the ground.
One day, this will all make sense. Hopefully.
Last month, I accepted a challenge to write a short story. One chapter a day, everyday and the theme was summer love. This was a challenge for me in several different ways:
One of my biggest challenges was just sticking with it. I was doing really well in the beginning; couldn’t wait until I could visit these characters again. Then I skipped a day to get sleep. Okay. But then the worst thing that could happen to me happened. My air conditioning broke. I fell way behind (hence the two chapters in one) but never just gave up. I see my growth in sticking to something and being a woman of my word.
The writing challenge itself.
In my life, I’ve written maybe two short stories. There were days when I stared at a blank template and….nothing. Other days I wrote and then erased everything. Truth is, I didn’t know at any given moment where I wanted any of these characters to go. Ryan’s engagement was never suppose to end. There was suppose to be an awkward double date with Sugar/Cameron and Ryan/Veronica at a mini golf course. Still, I just went into it almost Geppetto like and just allowed the characters to show me what should happen (weird, I know! blame my active imagination).
Shaking the notion of being a ‘writer’
When I was in college, I was a Journalism major, until a professor told me to change my major due to me being on the brink of failing his class. I say that to say: That stuck with me. Although I love writing, I never felt as good as the writers I read. Never felt on the level of the “greats”. Even some of the other writers in the challenge with me I felt wrote more “mature” than I did. On the third day of the challenge, I was ready to quit. I thought, “No one is going to read this.” Then I meditated on it and I got this one thought:
Just have fun with it.
Once I let go of trying to be as good as everybody else and just write my story, it became a joy. Then the notifications came. Then the comments. This challenge awaken a passion in me I let stay dormant for 6 years. I just want to thank everyone who took the time to read my short story. It didn’t go unnoticed. Your likes motivated me to keep going.
Thank you for helping this writer find summer love. Until next time….