What if tomorrow never comes? I’m not waiting for the confetti to fall – Tori Kelly “Confetti”
This week has been really hard for me, if I can be completely honest. It started off with a great conversation with a woman who I have admired for years. She’s sharing her knowledge of blogging to anyone who will listen and I was more than happy to be taught from. After reading Mastery, I knew that I needed a mentor. So call it divine timing or the opportunity I’ve been working towards, but I went for it. Our conversation was very pleasant and I just sat on the other end of the phone and just listened. I didn’t want to interrupt; didn’t want to stop the flow of conversation. Then I was asked how I promote my site. Then the truth of the matter came out.
I’m still insecure about my vision and my voice.
Truth is, as much as I share online….I’m much more reserved offline. Comfortable with staying in the background until it’s my time to come forward. I always felt that if I just put in the work, then someone would see it. Humble to a fault, I’m much more excited for other people than I am myself. I will support you and offer my advice if you need it, but often times I keep what I’m working on to myself. I can admit I’ve been conditioned to keep your ideas to yourself because “there’s always someone out there looking to steal your ideas”. So for me, being naturally reserved, I became more seclusive. In becoming seclusive, I started to doubt what I was saying was even impactful. In doubting my words, I noticed it was spilling into my work life as well. In a dispute with a co-worker, I started to doubt my voice. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe I should’ve just stayed quiet because now I look emotional and unprofessional. My co-worker began to give me the cold shoulder and I even overheard some pretty nasty things about me. I felt I had no allies in my already small division but this week, it felt like I was on an island all by myself. My good friend told me that I can’t let it show that it’s getting to me, however it was. I had to be honest with myself about that. But why?
This morning, after sitting in much needed silence, the answer came to me on everything. About my blog, my job, and myself. I’m looking for permission to be great from someone or something else. From my boss telling me I was right in my dispute with my co-worker to my unknown blog having millions of views, I felt that my happiness and my success laid in the hands of another. The fact of the matter is, it’s okay to feel how I felt about my co-worker making false accusations against me. It’s okay to speak up for yourself when you’re feeling bullied. It’s okay to promote the blog. It’s okay to let people know it exists. It’s okay to believe that my voice matters just as much as everyone else. It’s also okay for me to be vulnerable. Its in this state is where I feel the most connected to my highest self and feel that I’m being my authentic self.
So I don’t need for you to throw any confetti at my parade. I got enough of my own that I’ll be sprinkling over me every step that I take.