When I was 17, my mother gave me about $100 and let me loose in the mall. This is something that my mother began doing once I turned 14, due to the fact that we’re both stubborn and don’t see eye-to-eye on what I should’ve worn. I wanted to dress myself. My mother wanted to dress for herself with my body. So I came to my favorite store at the time – Deliah’s – and started searching for clothes. Oh, and by searching, I mean taking a bird’s eye view of the racks and leaving once nothing immediately grabbed my attention. But something did grab my attention, and it wasn’t any article of clothing. It was a book.
I wasn’t sure why this book was even in the store, or why the manager thought that any pre-teens or teenagers should even have a book like this, but it jumped out at me. I leafed through the book and knew I had to have it for myself. I purchased the book and went home to begin learning everything that I could. I did it in secret; waiting until everyone was asleep in the house before I decided to try out what I had learned. I would sit in the middle of the floor with a clear bowl full of ice, staring deep until I could see images like a crystal ball. I took my deck of cards and decided I would give myself tarot card readings. I had a lot of fun, but it also became my little secret. A secret I had to hide from my family as well as my friends. Those with no religious affiliation scoffed at what I was (secretly) doing as bogus and make believe. Those who did saw what I was (secretly) doing as “black magic” and “inviting evil spirits in”. Which is why when my mother found the book (that I could’ve sworn I hid….) she immediately threw it in the trash, but not without a ultimatim: the book or family.
I never had to make the choice. My mother made it for me. She threw the book away while I was at school. I was pissed, but eventually I moved on from feeling that way towards my mom, but not from fortune telling. In fact, in the little time that I did have the book, it intensified my desire to learn more. I went through a phase of wanting to read about witchcraft and magic, but it never stuck with me. The only thing that did, was tarot reading.
Last month, I got my own deck of cards and I’ve been loving them since. I’m still a bit of a novice but the best person to test these cards out on has been myself. It’s giving me a chance to really understand what the cards mean in the grand scheme of it all, especially paired with other Arcanas. There’s one that keeps coming up no matter what question I ask (which lately, I’ve been doing my weekly readings) has been The Heirophant. I can’t ever seem to shake him no matter what I do and I love seeing him show up!
Maybe one day my mom will understand that tarot card reading isn’t some portal to the underworld but rather, it’s a tool to help you learn more about yourself. Maybe she never will. Maybe I should just ask the cards.