I’m only saying this aloud because I want to change…and if you’re reading this, then you can somehow be my accountability partner. Or a mentor. Maybe a encouraging word-er. Something to push me out of my comfort zone. Out of my fear of either failure or success. To make me not only afraid to be in darkness, but actually run towards it. I let an opportunity pass me by. But first, a backstory.
I remember when I first got this magazine in the mail. I was a sophomore in college and the Editor-in-Chief was Danyel Smith. The way she constructed the magazine, the content of what was inside, it just spoke to me. It was what I envisioned the magazine I always wanted to print would be like. I became an instant fan of her writing. Started following her Tumblr and really just admiring her from afar; wishing for the day that maybe…just maybe…I’ll be able to work with her. Well, this year, she and her husband started a Kicksarter for HRDCVR, or Hard Cover. It’s basically a hard cover magazine which is a fantastic idea. Anyway, they posted a fellowship opportunity to work with them on this project and the deadline was yesterday. I sat at my computer and read over everything that was required. A written essay on a variety of topics, samples of writing, questions to in-person interviews. I thought about everything I would write….and then closed the tab. I didn’t look back. I didn’t even know how to proceed. It seemed as if they were looking for professionals, and I didn’t feel like one. Immediately, the thought of being rejected for a fellowship from another popular web publication came into my mind and I felt the same would happen. Then my mind started drifting to the “what if”. What if I’m chosen and I do the interview? How would I be in front of two people that I’ve only known from afar? What if I’m not what they’re looking for?
I talked myself out of an opportunity for a fear of failure. Maybe even the fear that I’d become a part of this fellowship and my writing would be more than just personal blogging. It would force me to grow. Force me to improve, and it scared me too. I’m tired of being scared, y’all.