Three-part blog. Crazy, right? But I didn’t want it to be too lengthy, so thank you for letting me get this off my proverbial chest. And if you haven’t read Part One or Two, I suggest you do. It’s not necessary or anything, but it would be nice!
I had prayed and set my intention on one thing for a while: to meet and be a part of a sisterhood. I’ve always wanted more female friends and felt like I’ve missed out on what women did around each other. I had always befriended men easily and became “just one of the guys” but I wanted a group of women that I could laugh with, cry with, heal with, drink wine (if that was their thing) with. So I looked to Twitter as that unofficial sisterhood. I learned a lot about holistic medicine and natural care practices. We share recipes and concoctions from green smoothies to whipped shea butter mixtures. My astrology sisterfriend gave me a reading on my birthday and she told me that this year, to pay attention to my desires, especially when it comes to the occult. That my interest and creativity would come from this exploration. So is it a coincidence that through my Twitter timeline that I came across two modern witches? Not necessarily. It was my intent all along. So here is where I am today; a novice in the occult. Being swept away in healing crystals and cleansing baths. Lighting incense for the first time since college and using candles during my meditation. Just recently, I purchased thee most beautiful tarot cards and have found myself wanting to get to “know” my deck by using a card a day. In fact, it was today’s card that caused this blog.
After my meditation, I now incorporate a card from my new deck. This is how I will familiarize myself with the deck and possibly start doing readings (on myself, for starters) next year. So this morning, this is the card I pulled. My heart froze. For the past few days, I’ve been getting the pentacles; which represents harvest, generosity, prosperity. Why would The Devil show up today? Then I thought about what my friend told me over a month ago: that I was going down a dangerous path and further away from God, but I didn’t understand it. My cards, like everything else I’ve been doing, was my way to communicate with God. I invite Him into my practice all the time. I still pray daily, but even that was beginning to feel empty. Was she right? Was this card right? My mind was all over the place and I felt like crying. This whole time, I felt I was on the right path. Hell, I felt like I never got off it but here I was; derailed like hell. I stared at this card for the longest time and then took a deep breath. Usually with cards like these, they have a particular meaning that you have to dig deep to find. This card? It deals with addiction, negativity, toxic relationships, materialism. Whatever has its claws (or hooves…thanks, goat!) sunk into you has to be addressed. So what was it for me? I sat silently and let the answer come from within. From God. The Source. The Source I never left. The Source that never left me.
My entire life, I had been made to feel guilty about being interested in the occult. It started with my aspirations of being a medium (and a gypsy, which I’ve talked about before). With wanting to look into crystal balls and read tarot cards. People that have identified as Christians have told me that these things are wrong; that even the curiosity of it would allow the Devil to come in and destroy your faith. Don’t even think about doing any rituals, because doing so just solidified your reservation in Hell. Wanting to learn more was met with judgment and shame. My friend constantly telling me that I need “deliverance” comes from a critical and judgmental place; she has spotted something within me that is “wrong” and it has to be made “right”. But…there isn’t anything wrong with me. Just like there’s nothing inherently wrong with her. My mom, either. This is what they were taught, so this is what they know. What do I know? I know that we’re all on this journey together. Your path may not look like my path, but it doesn’t mean we’re not on it together. This year, I’ve been feeling guilty about reading the spiritual texts that I have been reading; they contradict everything I was taught in the church, but they made more sense to me. I felt bad for not seeing the elitism in Christianity anymore; that we were just like everybody else. Spiritual beings having a human experience. I stopped seeing our differences and started connecting to strangers. Even pointing out that at our core we’re the same seemed to agitate my friend, who quickly dismissed my revelation by bringing up extreme examples of rapist and murderers (I wanted to challenge that, but I learned a long time ago that you let people like her just talk. You simply nod your head in agreement).
Maybe my friend is right; I could be doing this all wrong. Maybe I’m right; this is all a part of re-defining who I am. What I do know is that I’m done feeling guilty about it. The desire is in my heart and so help me God, I’m going with it.