Where can I surrender?
I sat with this question for a long time. I really thought of what it means to surrender. To surrender means to cease resistance and submit. So I started thinking of where I felt resistance in my life. Nothing. Disappointed, I checked my weather app; feeling that maybe I could go to the park near my job to think before it started raining. Seeing that I had an hour, I grabbed my tarot cards and my keys and went outside, which is a luxury for me at work (my office has no windows and due to demanding e-mails/calls/guest, I can barely leave my office unattended. *le sigh*).
I sat in that park really thinking about the question. I watched cars drive by, people walking dogs or jogging. Watched the wind blow through the grass. The grass surrenders to the wind. Then a man walked up to me and struck a conversation with me. Nice guy, lives a block from where I work. Shit. Work! I gotta get back to my office. Then it hit me: I didn’t want to go back just yet. I wanted to stay longer. Then I thought about the times when I left my office for hours at a time, only to have people complain to my boss that I was never there. How these same people stripped me of a decent lunch break or even the courtesy of going to the bathroom. In the last two years, I have become a slave to my desk and to my job. And I surrender. Not to my job, but to my life.
Life keeps telling me to love it, and I tell it that I have to go to work. Life gives me 70 degree weather, I tell it that I’ll enjoy it on the weekends. The reason I was so afraid to go on vacation was because I didn’t want someone to take my place while I was gone. Well, I’m done feeling that way. I’m ready to surrender to Life.
Tarot Card of the Day: Ace of Pentacles. In the center of even a giant redwood tree…a tiny seedling once stood. This is the energy of the Ace of Pentacles. It’s the seed that takes root, grounding you for the future. You’re in the beginning phase of a prosperous venture. Stay grounded.
What lessons am I learning right now?
Yesterday, my parents asked me about a glass container I had in my refrigerator. While looking for something to drink, I heard my dad ask, “What is this in this bottle? It looks like beer.” I told my dad that it wasn’t beer that it was the almond milk I made myself (which is super easy). My mom chimed in with, “I don’t know why you do these things. What you’re doing is expensive and it’s not good for you. At least the milk in the store is pasteurized…”
Normally, I would have something passive-aggressive to say to her. Naturally I wanted to dispute everything she said because it wasn’t true. Actually, none of what she said was the truth. But in that moment, I just held my peace. There are just some people who will just be against whatever you’re for. You know them as advocates of the Devil. It didn’t serve me to try to explain my actions to her, as my dad would’ve misinterpreted it as “arguing” and my mom is stubborn. Nope. I’ve learned that you got to let some people have their opinion, even when it does not match your own.
Tarot Card of the Day: Five of Wands. This is a card of conflict. You may find yourself scattered, distracted, tending to everything and nothing. Your energy moves outward in many directions, yet you are suffering inside. Take this card as a warning: find ways to bring calm and focus to your mind or these troubles will only increase.
What signs have I been misinterpreting or ignoring?
I do this often in relationships: I make excuses for the red flags and intuition. The latest was HomieLoverFriend, who I was dating for over a year. In the last half year, he would rag on himself severely; constantly taking about how he wasn’t relationship material. All signs pointed me to exit but I didn’t; rather I told myself that I’ve been there before and I just have to be patient while he works through it.
He never worked through it. I always felt he was looking for an excuse to not fully commit to me and when I would ask why we weren’t in an exclusive relationship, I felt his resistance. He would become defensive and combative. Still, I ignored the warnings he gave me. So I stepped away for no more than 24 hours and I’m getting texts from him telling me that since he hadn’t heard from me that I must’ve moved on from him. Crazy, but I still made excuses and accepted his irratical behavior. Until one day, I got tired of doing so.
What was I trying to prove? What did I gain from keeping someone like this in my life? I didn’t fully trust my instincts and didn’t want to be wrong about him. But it’s been weeks since we’ve spoken and the peace that I feel lets me know that my decision to leave him alone was the correct one.
Tarot Card of the Day: The Hermit. In society, we frown upon being a “hermit”. In the tarot realm, they are the most celebrated and valued creature. Through solitude, stillness, and meditation they bring wisdom to all. This card is telling you to step back from the business of day to day life and focus on your inner realm. Become more self-aware. Your inner fire is waiting to be lit.
How do I want to feel?
Connected. To myself. To others. To the environment. We spend so much of our time in our own bubble and consumed with our own thoughts, that we don’t leave room for anything else. We also can look the other way at other’s suffering or misfortune because it does not directly affect us. I just want to feel more in tune with my surroundings. I want to be able to “hear” when a person speaks to me, without judgement. I want to pay attention to the cycles of nature. That’s how I want to feel. Everything else is secondary.
Tarot Card of the Day: Four of Cups. To outsiders looking at your life, they would see support, loving connections, and a little bit of luxury. You don’t see it that way. You may feel discontent, apathy, and a greed for more. This card is a warning for you to not take your situation for granted or the people who supported you along the way. Look around you. You’re truly longing for something, what is it? Name it.
What new habit can I start?
When I decided to transition from relaxed to natural hair, something happened to me: I started to pay attention more to what I was doing to my body. I was also at a low point in my life, so I wanted to nurture myself in any way possible that wasn’t me sleeping my day away or emotional eating. It started with exercising; that was the one aspect of my life that I could control. Then, as I watched YouTube videos for hair inspiration, I started getting introduced to a lot of vegetarian/vegan naturals. So then my diets changed. My diet is 80% vegetarian now. I swapped lotion for shea butter and commercial soap forcastille soap. There is one habit….or better yet, lifestyle….that I would like to incorporate: Ayurveda
Ayurveda is a 5,000-year-old Indian science of natural medicine. It is an holistic approach to health and wellness which balances environment, mind, body, and spirit. This is right up my alley. Since I want to connect more to nature and knowing for myself the benefits of living a more holistic lifestyle, I’m excited to incorporate Ayurvedic methods into my life.
Tarot Card of the Day: Father of Wands. A man of mystique and charisma. Others are drawn to him naturally and he welcomes them with an open and loving heart. Usually, you’ll find him involved in the healing arts, as he is deeply passionate and in tune with nature.
What commitments to my Self can I honor?
I came to a very sobering truth about myself. I have a lot of deep rooted insecurities. They play out in a lot of facets in my life but all hold one universal belief: you’re not good enough. When you have a inner vision for your life, and the outer vision doesn’t align with it, that’s where the negative narration comes in for me.
So I’m committed to two things: the first is reconciling my inner and outer vision for myself. Not being so tied down to having my exact inner vision as it pertains to anything of material gain. The second is to be kinder to myself. Spend a little more time looking in the mirror at myself. Chew my meals slower and really sit with the flavors and texture of my food. Really take time to lay out my clothes. Take deeper breaths while walking. Letting thoughts come and go in my mind without judgement. Let go of the comparisons and understand that happiness is a concept.
Tarot Card of the Day: The Emperor. the perfect counterpart to The Emperess, he represents the side of you that is protective, decisive, and truly stable. He brings clarity of the mind and that in turn leads to actions or decisions. Literally, this card could indicate a father or paternal figure in your life. It can also represent you reconnecting with the part of you that stands strong & tall and knows just what to do.
What is my body craving?
Well, if we’re talking about the present moment, it would be a massage. I’ve begun increasing the length and intensity of my workouts and I am truly sore. Plus, I crave the pampering and the attention that comes with a good spa day. There is another thing my body is craving: being in nature.
I felt extremely anxious on my ride home yesterday. Attempting to distract myself, I went on my usual sites, but that seemed to make it worse. I went to my stand-by of Candy Crush and instantly felt bored. That’s when I put my phone down and looked out the window to see the sun setting. It was so beautiful and serene. As I walked home, I took my headphones out and just listened to nature. I felt calm and grounded. The times where I’ve felt truly relaxed was when I opted to take my lunch breaks at the nearby park at my job; placing my back against a tree and just breathing. My body, mind, and soul needs time in nature.
Tarot Card of the Day: Three of Pentacles. The task ahead is a monumentous one. Discipline, strategy, and hard work are needed. If you become weary or overwhelmed, rely on those around you. You may need the strength of others to conquer that mountain.
What am I committed to changing?
If you believe in the supernatural, then what I’m about to say makes a lot of sense. If you don’t, then you’ll wonder where I’m going with this. Either way, here it goes.
In the middle of the night, I heard a voice…and I don’t mean in the “somebody is talking in their sleep” way. In fact, I’ve heard this voice before. It’s a man’s voice and I’ve only heard him once before, but it still yielded the same response. The dream that I’m having will immediately stop and there will be no noises; as if this voice wants me to hear him loud and clear. The first time, he said “You bitch!” and I was shocked out of my sleep. Last night, this same voice kept saying “Death”. Immediately, the fear that I had came flooding into my mind. I tried to not think about it, but it was as if someone opened a latch on the door I was keeping that fear and it just came flooding in. It was so intense that I started choking. Finally, I shot straight up in bed and everything went calm.
Now, I say this for a reason (I hope this is coming full circle). I know that death is a part of life, but I’ve never been afraid of death. What terrifies me is the afterlife; mostly the whole “eternity” bit. Logically, I begin to process that even when I physically die, my spirit keeps living on and then it just a long drop down a rabbit hole and I go into full panic attack mode. That has to change, but what? Releasing my fear of the unknown? Coming to terms with the afterlife? I wish I had a clear answer today, but I don’t.
Tarot Card of the Day: Judgement. Don’t take the word “judgement” at face value. This card concerns itself with seeking the truth. No more blaming yourself or others, no more excuses. Now is the time for forgiveness and personal freedom. The card is asking you to rise up, let pettiness and fear fall below you. Expand your wings. Be reborn.
What concerns am I willing to release?
A couple of nights ago, I had a dream that was less about the person (my ex) and more about what everything in the dream represented. In a nutshell, I’m moving West. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, and I don’t even know when. I’ve been feeling the tug to move since mid-June last year. But it always stayed a desire of mines. Slowly, that desire turned into a warning of sorts. And the signs were there:
- I’m becoming increasingly okay with not making my current job my life
- I can “feel” the winds of change happening
- California would randomly pop up on a show or in my mind and I would instantly smile
- Any “where should you live?” quiz always had me in California
The one concern that I will voluntarily give away is wondering if I’m making the right decision. Not just with moving, but with any change I decide to make in my life. So often, I’m somewhere weighing the pros and cons of a decision or analyzing every angle that I don’t make a decision at all. I fail to take the risk. I miss the opportunity. How will I know a choice is right or wrong if I never make one? It may be safer, but it’s not living. I have to stretch farther than I can reach.
Tarot Card of the Day: Three of Wands. You’ve received continued support from others (maybe your parents or two close friends) and with their help, it has shaped who you are. But this card is encouraging you to now look to yourself for guidance. Clarify your goals, cast out other people’s needs and opinions. The future is infinite and yours. No one can see through its shadows and light but you.
Where have I been more focused on how I look, rather than how I feel?
Let me tell you really quick what happened to me at the mall. I was with my parents and in one store, my mom went to go around a woman who was shopping. The woman began to become argumentative with my mom and had the biggest attitude. That moment took me back to when I was 7, and I stood in front of my mom while she argued with a neighbor who let her dog poop on our lawn. I hate conflict of any kind, so in a kid fashion, I cried and screamed for the lady to leave my mom alone, who by then had gotten backup from her two very large and tall nephews. My mom was outnumbered and it wasn’t fair. I remember my dad swooping me up; telling me my mom was okay.
So in that moment, I became that little girl who wanted to protect her mom and I let that woman have it, verbally. I was so wrapped up in being right and “winning” an argument with a complete and utter stranger that I ignored every nerve in my body tensing up; begging for me to calm down. I didn’t want to. I’m an adult and I wasn’t about to let her get the last word. My mom told me to let it go. That she was okay. But I wasn’t. I wanted to protect her, but all I was protecting was my pride. Protecting against a woman I’ll never see again in life.
Being “right” isn’t worth me losing my cool.
Tarot Card of the Day: Two of Pentacles. A card of inevitable change. Even if you fear change, it needs to happen and it’ll be fun. Face it with the grace of a newly formed butterfly.