Where do I feel broken? What steps will I take to release this internal pain?
I have really been thinking about Office Crush’s conversation because he really touched on something. He wanted to know what was keeping me from getting out and exploring the world. He can’t fathom how a woman of my age and caliber, could prefer a night alone over wanting to socialize. The piece of the puzzle that he’s missing is the one I’ve kept: HomieLoverFriend.
He doesn’t know about him. He doesn’t know about the year I had with him. I haven’t filled him in on the days where he flaked on me, or how he disappeared for months at a time. I stayed because I felt there was a lesson to be learned; that I was attracting this because I was damaged somehow. The longer I stayed, the more I felt drained and frustrated. He had beliefs and values that didn’t work for his life, but refused to let go. Day in and day out, I would encourage and nurture a man who couldn’t do the same. I would speak up on what I wanted, and he would come out (verbally) swinging; as if I backed him into a corner. He was always on the defense with me and one day, I had enough.
It was only when Office Crush said those things that I was able to say aloud what I had hesitated to say: my last “relationship” broke my spirit. I wanted to be vulnerable, but I was never afforded that space. I longed to show my authentic self, but it made him uncomfortable and afraid. That revelation made me sad, however, I know that I can’t go back to that. I have to start from scratch. Forgive myself and the “relationship.” He wasn’t the man for me. So I move forward. I make time for me; doing what I like and love. Most importantly, I don’t allow this experience to harden my heart. It has to stay open and receptive.
Tarot Card of the Day: Ace of Wands. An extremely high energy card, the Ace of Wands indicates new growth is all around you. Your ideas and outlook will expand, while creativity seems endless. This fertile time can also have literal meanings……a pregnancy or birth may be on the horizon. Though it’s thrilling to embark on your new journey, your good judgment is needed more than ever. Don’t rush it.