100 Questions: Day 31

Where have I blocked myself from feeling? 

Everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I kid you not, just hear me out. 

I’m having to unlearn a lot of things that I picked up in childhood: being passive-aggressive, not speaking up for myself, self-sabotaging, self-medicating, and emotional eating. These actions have been the ways that I have guarded myself from fear and its byproducts(rejection, anxiety). 

Being older and wanting to be a better version of myself, I have given myself the space and permission to feel everything; no matter what. If the end scene of Toy Story 4 is sad, then cry. If the man you love falls in love with another woman in front of your eyes, go ahead and be hurt. See a beautiful rainbow? Go ahead and smile. Like a corny joke? Laugh until your face hurts. 

I’ve protected myself for so long that in the end, I just hurt myself more. I just wasn’t being true to me, which made me mad, which I couldn’t express, which kept me in a cycle. Giving myself the freedom to be so complex and feel an array of emotions has been tough and uncertain, but wonderful. 

  

Tarot Card of the Day: Seven of Swords. Six swords hang in the balance while the seventh is tucked under the fox’s tail. So goes the story of this card. A secret is being kept. Either you are the keeper or the one it’s being kept from, and it’s time to identify which. Deceit and avoidance linger in the air. Face the cause of secrecy or risk being ostracizing yourself. 

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