100 Questions: Day 39

What can I do with my current limitations? 

I stepped on the scale this morning and saw a 30 pound increase from two years ago. I have a interesting relationship with my body and my weight. My weight is a reflection of where I am in my life. 

When I was a kid, I got heavier after being sexually harassed by men twice my age. My weight (and subsequent baggier clothes) was a way to make myself “undesirable” to men and boys alike. In college, my weight gain was a result of being free to do what I want, when I wanted. I was undisciplined and unfocused; finding comfort and more “happy” weight with my almost 400lbs boyfriend.  When I was 28 and deeply depressed, my weight loss was due to me wanting to do whatever I can to pull me out of my funk and feel better about Life again. 

So…if you’ve been following my questions these past 38 days, then you know why this weight came back. During my morning meditation, I realized that I’m unhappy. Unhappy with my job, unhappy at home, and just left a toxic relationship. The weight is a result of me coping with situations I felt were out of my control. This weight was brought on by food that made me happy, because that was the only way I could experience it. 

So what can I do now? Redefine what happiness means to me. Find reasons to smile daily. For me, that’s getting back into the gym. I like group classes where I sweat it out; it doesn’t feel like a workout and even when it does, I know I’m better for it. On the train ride, do some visualizations. How do I want my workday to feel like? Sound like? Same with my living situation. I have to shift my perception and get back to that girl who wanted to feel better by any means. 

Tarot Card of the Day: Six of Swords. The Six of Swords is a kind card, indicating a recovery from difficult times. Hope is on the horizon, things will get better. It’s important to rest, revitalize, and surround yourself with joyful friends. Plan a trip, short or long. Even getting out of town for the weekend will further lift your spirits. 

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