100 Questions: Day 53

How has the past hurt my ability to move forward? 

I had a wonderful pre-birthday dinner with one of my oldest and best friends. The night air was perfect and we sat outside and talked about a myriad of topics. The one that stood out the most is when she asked me how my parents talked to me about dating and relationships. 

My mom’s idea of teaching me about the opposite sex was constantly saying to me, “Boys are only nice to you to get what they want from you. They only want sex from you.” This speech was repetitive growing up and even though I knew it was a skewed way of looking at relationships, I couldn’t see its ripple effects clearly until last night, when in the sacred friendship space, I was able to see the damage that thinking has costed me. 

I use to laugh it off when my friends – girls and guys – would tell me I was “just like one of the guys.” I had lots of casual sex with no strings, I avoided any intimate relationships even when I craved them, I was defensive; waiting to see what he was REALLY after, and I naturally began to distrust people in general. I see that now with this new guy I’ve met. I keep thinking, “He wants something” and it’s been that reason why I haven’t been “available” for a date. 

If I want to be more vulnerable in my life, I have to let go of the barriers that keep me guarded. I just couldn’t see how layered this was. 

Tarot Card of the Day: Daughter of Wands (my absolute favorite suit card): The Daughter of Wands is a free-spirit; a truly visionary creature. She usually waits until later to settle down or start a family, as she is busy with her career. She can be stubborn and much stronger than she looks. As with all the Wands family, the daughter makes a dangerous enemy. This card can also represent a woman going through a transformation or spiritual breakthrough. 

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