Who can I forgive?
I thought of a myriad of people that I could say and they’d all be the usual suspects: myself, an old love, my parents. But, I’m going to go with the first person who came to mind: Professor Stevens*
Professor Stevens was my Intro to Journalism teacher who always sent my paper back with tons of red notes on them. The professor who my best was never good enough. But I was determined; I wanted to be a writer and one day, run my own magazine. I came to him after class one day and asked him what I could do to pass the class. I’ll never forget what he said next. Professor Stevens, with a smile and a halfhearted laugh told me, “Change your major.” That was the end of the conversation, and my dream came to a hault.
I never forgave him for taking me off course because I was too busy blaming myself for not being strong enough. So today, I forgive you. I forgive you for not seeing my potential. I forgive the way you handled me that afternoon in your classroom. I forgive you for not knowing how to nurture my gift of creative writing. I finally forgive you, Professor.
*Name has been changed not to protect him, but because I genuinely forgot his name. It’s been that long.
What have I denied myself that I really want?
Editor’s Note: Yes, I’m starting this back up, or rather…I’m here to finish what I started. My thoughts have been all over the place lately and thanks to the morning meditation I’ve been (consistently) doing, I feel more centered and ready to answer these questions again. Also, with bringing back me answering questions, I will be replacing the Tarot Card of the Day, for an Adventure Card of the Day. Courtesy of the deck I was gifted with: Anywhere Travel Guide. So, on to today’s answer!
I want to live a life that I love. A life that feels right for me, not one that looks good to others. And sitting here, I realized that I’ve denied myself that simple pleasure because of how uncomfortable it made other people. My trip to South Africa was something for me, but it made my parents anxious. I use to explore the city all the time; going into random restaurants, strolling around. I stopped doing that for a few reasons: the guy I was dating at the time hated any form of change and the downtown area even more, and I just stopped enjoying taking the Metro home late at night. I started telling myself over and over, “you’ll go to that restaurant next week when you get some money” or “we’ll see what the weather is like”. I love to indulge, be it on a small or large scale. I’m a firm believer that life is meant to be enjoyed…and here I am, denying the one thing I believe in. I love traveling. I love live music. Eating with my hands. I love laughter. Watching the sun rise and set over each new day. Driving with no destination in mind. To enjoy sweets without worrying about how the scale won’t tip in my favor. These are just a few things I really want. So, I have to work on getting them. Regardless of how it makes anyone feel.
Alexis didn’t think that her whirlwind summer fling would come to this: sitting in silence, barely acknowledging each other’s presence as the highway seemed to go on for miles. Ever since they left her mother’s house, he has been very distant towards her. The few times Darius did speak to her was to ask if she was okay or needed to stop. The smile she become accustomed to seeing was no longer; instead he was focused on the road ahead Alexis thought of what she could say to break the tension between them, but could only think of one thing. She placed her hand ontop of his.
“I’m sorry.” she said almost in a whisper.
Darius sighed. He grabbed her hand and pressed the back of it on his lips; a gesture that sent waves up Alexis’ body.
“I’m sorry, too.”
* * * * * *
Alexis returned back to the flat to see Andrea sitting on the couch, reading a magazine.
“Girl, where have you been?! I haven’t seen you in weeks!” she stormed off the couch.
“I went out.” Alexis waved off; too busy in her own head to fully give her roommate any real energy.
“You know today’s the 15th and did you at least call your mom? I can’t keep paying rent…..”
Alexis walked to her room and closed the door. She plopped down on her bed and thought about her week. She heard her roommate talking through the door but she didn’t care.
She had to blog about her summer.