100 Questions: Day 72

How do I measure my success?

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This post will be short and to the point. I measure success in how I feel about myself. How I can look back on the lessons that Life has taught me and see the growth within me. Success to me is when my daughter takes heed to what I’ve said and relays it to her friends. Success is the amount of times I can laugh in a day. I measure my success in smiles. In how I take time to take care of myself both inside and out.

That’s some of the ways I measure success.

100 Questions: Day 71

What do I need to say but have not voiced? 

Last night, my energy felt really off. So I lit an incense, sat in a half lotus pose and meditated. Just last week, I met a pretty great guy that I feel I may be jumping the gun with. I see him a lot….electronically. We actually met on social media and his presence prior to us meeting was already heavy. In the days since, I’ve felt a mix of excitement, nervousness, anxiety, and a weird touch of rejection. Then I got mad at myself for feeling all of these things for a guy I just “technically” met (we’ve been online friends for years). During my meditation, I let all of those thoughts and feelings come to the forefront. I must’ve been sitting for at least a half an hour before I started singing one of my favorite Nina Simone songs.

Anytime I sing a song out of the blue, I know it’s my spirit singing out. So I went to get ready for bed when all of a sudden, the memory of the day I knew my relationship with my father had changed came to the surface. I was 16 and just told my family that I was pregnant. Before then, I was a daddy’s girl. He was the first man in my life. He saved me from my mom’s “wrath” and was the one to sit me down and explain everything to me. He was so patient and kind with me. Until I did something he felt was unforgivable. I felt the distance between us. It took him years to even look me in my eyes. It was that pain that I carried for a long time; never dealing with it because I had a newborn to raise as well as myself. It manifested itself in my relationships with men; ending with me not wanting to get any closer than a few causal flings. I didn’t want anything serious because deep down I knew that if I did something that made him upset, he would leave me. I sat in my bed, in the dark, crying. I cried for the 16 year-old me because those were some scary times for me, and I felt that I had to walk that road alone. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to feel love and safe and to be assured that everything would be okay. Not tolerated by the one man I thought would love me for the rest of our lives.

I never said this to my dad nor have I told him, “I forgive you.” Those three words can release so much pain, clear so much air, and bury any hatchet.  Still, they’re the hardest words to say.

100 Questions: Day 70

What have I stopped doing that I want to start again? 

This is a no-brainer for me. It’s pole dancing!

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I’ve always been interested in learning how to pole dance since I mentioned it as a sexy way to spruce up my love life. Figured, if I learn some tricks and spins, that I could whip out a nice bedroom routine or have it in my arsenal just in case (whatever that case is…lol!). Plus, my then boyfriend encouraged me to sign up for a class. He was just as enthusiastic about the pole classes as I was. Still, I never worked up the courage to go to a studio. And then we broke up and I moved out. For a moment, that reasoning for wanting to take pole disappeared. I didn’t have a reason to go. That is, until I went looking for a gym that was a hub of everything that I love: various dancing forms.

Once I found the gym I was hooked! It became less and less about being sexy and more about being able to do a spin properly. Pole classes taught me to be confident in who I am as a woman. To trust in myself and my body. I got stronger in more ways than one for the two consecutive years that I attended classes. I would think back on the classes where I was drenched in sweat, trying to coordinate my legs and my arms to put me in the perfect front hook, and laugh. In those moments, I wanted to quit so badly. But I didn’t want to give up on myself. I looked forward to learning new spins. Pole classes was something I was dedicated and committed to.

I stopped taking classes because my membership had expired, however I know after writing that it’s time for me to go back. Pole classes was my outlet. My release. With each class, I had something to work towards. I need that type of challenge back in my life again.

100 Questions: Day 69

What am I avoiding right now in my life?  

The last 48 hours have been very overwhelming to me in the most beautiful way possible. A few months back, I made a speech, from the heart at a retirement party that resonated with one guest in particular. She came into my office and after talking to her for quite some time, she offered to pay my tuition so that I can finish college. Later on in that day, my mom calls me to tell me that she’s getting a new car and she wants to give me her old one. Both ladies are looking for a response on what it is I want to do and fast. 

So why am I afraid? 

Everything that is happening are things that I’ve thought about years ago. Getting a degree, having a mentor, gaining the freedom to drive….seeing these come to fruition is intimidating to me. I talk a lot about my words and thoughts being powerful…but to actually see it happening is overwhelming. 

I got comfortable with being a dreamer. I haven’t navigated how to be a doer. People see something great in me that I can’t even see sometimes. I want to avoid disappointing people who believe in me, but what I’m really avoiding is the greatness that is within me. 

I’ll figure it out. 

100 Questions: Day 68

What relationship am I not feeling the way I want to feel in? 

If you’re not into astrology as much as I am, then you wouldn’t know anything about Venus currently being in retrograde. In a nutshell, Venus controls love and relationships. So with this planet moving backwards, expect some relationship issues to come to the forefront and to do some real evaluating. I mean, look at all the celebrity couples that have called it quits since July 25th (Miranda/Blake, Jennifer/Ben, Gwen/Gavin, Kermit/Miss Piggy).  Venus is not playing out here.

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For me, this retrograde has done something completely different. First day of the retrograde, my current ex came back into the picture. Literally out of the blue, he wanted to treat me to the perfect lunch. He brought me all of my favorites and treated me like he’s always treated me. He takes joy in being the prototype; the man to beat all men you’ve ever encountered in your life. As much as I appreciated his efforts, something about them felt hollow; like it wasn’t real. In fact, that feeling stuck with me for a week. It wasn’t that I was feeling empty, but I started to recognize some of the roadblocks I had set up for myself in matters of the heart and I wan’t happy about it.

Being a Venus child, I’m ruled by this planet. It’s my very essence and yet, I have looked to others to love me in ways that I feel that I couldn’t love myself. I don’t love myself as much as I expect others to, which completely diminishes me and sends me into any potential relationship in a deficit. I start relationships off imbalanced because I have raised this person on a pedestal unintentionally and unfairly.  I have made a person responsible for the love I want and crave, instead of just giving it to myself. Even worse, is that I pour out to another in hopes that, when seeing my effort, will reciprocate (of course, I learned the hard way with HomieLoverFriend that this only depletes you and breeds resentment).  So this weekend, I made a pact with myself. That I would treat myself with much more love. Nourish my body, mind, and spirit. Laugh more. Go out on the town more. Sign up for more classes. Take way more trips. Buy more clothes. Spend more time outdoors.

Before, I would do all of these things because I was depressed and being kind to me was an act of survival. Now, I need to do these things for myself because I’m a damn good person who deserves nice things.