100 Questions: Day 68

What relationship am I not feeling the way I want to feel in? 

If you’re not into astrology as much as I am, then you wouldn’t know anything about Venus currently being in retrograde. In a nutshell, Venus controls love and relationships. So with this planet moving backwards, expect some relationship issues to come to the forefront and to do some real evaluating. I mean, look at all the celebrity couples that have called it quits since July 25th (Miranda/Blake, Jennifer/Ben, Gwen/Gavin, Kermit/Miss Piggy).  Venus is not playing out here.

kermit_and_piggy

For me, this retrograde has done something completely different. First day of the retrograde, my current ex came back into the picture. Literally out of the blue, he wanted to treat me to the perfect lunch. He brought me all of my favorites and treated me like he’s always treated me. He takes joy in being the prototype; the man to beat all men you’ve ever encountered in your life. As much as I appreciated his efforts, something about them felt hollow; like it wasn’t real. In fact, that feeling stuck with me for a week. It wasn’t that I was feeling empty, but I started to recognize some of the roadblocks I had set up for myself in matters of the heart and I wan’t happy about it.

Being a Venus child, I’m ruled by this planet. It’s my very essence and yet, I have looked to others to love me in ways that I feel that I couldn’t love myself. I don’t love myself as much as I expect others to, which completely diminishes me and sends me into any potential relationship in a deficit. I start relationships off imbalanced because I have raised this person on a pedestal unintentionally and unfairly.  I have made a person responsible for the love I want and crave, instead of just giving it to myself. Even worse, is that I pour out to another in hopes that, when seeing my effort, will reciprocate (of course, I learned the hard way with HomieLoverFriend that this only depletes you and breeds resentment).  So this weekend, I made a pact with myself. That I would treat myself with much more love. Nourish my body, mind, and spirit. Laugh more. Go out on the town more. Sign up for more classes. Take way more trips. Buy more clothes. Spend more time outdoors.

Before, I would do all of these things because I was depressed and being kind to me was an act of survival. Now, I need to do these things for myself because I’m a damn good person who deserves nice things.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s