Have you ever heard of cord cutting? Well…before I go there, let me take a few steps back and ask you this question: are you aware that you have energetic cords with people in your life? You know, that one ex that you can’t get over of that friend who you haven’t spoken to in years after you missed her birthday party at a karaoke bar. That’s a cord, and essentially that cord connects you to a person via…what else….energy. Yes, that very popular “your thoughts are powerful” mantra really comes into play here. So going back to cord cutting, that is essentially what you’re doing; you stop giving energy to a person (or persons, if you’re a multi-tasker like myself). You reclaim that energy that has left you drained and depleted, that energy that feels completely one-sided and transfer it to another person (hopefully yourself!). Cord cutting is serious business. How? Ever wonder why as soon as you move on with your life, that ex shows up “out of nowhere”? Sometimes, your energy is so strong, that when you withdraw it, that person can feel it. That’s where the “hey stranger” texts come from!
I have always had an issue with letting people go. Not only do I not want to seem like I’ve failed in any relationship, but I have a tendency to over-analyze everything. I’ll go through every single detail of our relationship; wondering where I went wrong and if it can still be salvaged. Little do I know, I keep that cord active within me and with that other person, even after said person has moved on from me. This morning, I was consumed by thoughts of HomieLoverFriend and how our cultural views were so polar opposite that I questioned why we stayed in touch as long as we did. Was I that desperate to be in a relationship and have someone “claim” me? But I know by getting upset at one of our many disagreements and arguments zaps me of energy and really puts me in a funk; just like they did in the moment. So I need to energetically cut the cord on him. Direct that energy back into me, just like I did with Computer Love. Use that on me and be full to the brim so that when the time comes, our energetic cords will be live, active, and free flowing.
What is the silver lining of my current situation?
In order for me to see the silver lining of my current situation, I would have to lay out my current situation. Currently, I’m working at a job that pays me well, but doesn’t feed my spirit. I’ve come to terms that Computer Love was a moment in time and have started the process of moving on. I still couch surf while getting over the chatter that it’s impossible to live in the city without having a roommate. Speaking of moving out, I still wrestle with a nagging feeling that where I currently am isn’t where I’m suppose to stay. So to sum up my current situation, I’m starting to pull back the veil on where I am in life but not knowing where I should go next. What’s the silver lining?
Sometimes the silver lining is knowing that you are exactly where you’re suppose to be. My job where it pays my bills and nothing else? I’ve met some amazing people who have seen my growth as a woman and become inspired by my everyday actions. That relationship that didn’t pan out? He taught me to be more confident in who and what I am and prepared me for the bigger and better relationship that will stick. Couch surfing has shown me that I can budget, to compromise, and I save money on dinner because we cook as a family. I’m not on the street and I have a pretty nice support system that want to see me in my own place. Finding out the truth of where I am right now has allowed me to not only look back and remember when times were a lot worse, but it shows me that I can handle whatever life throws at me. My situation isn’t ideal, but it’s what I need to propel me into the next phase. I’m ready!
I’m a lover of words. So naturally, I love writing words down. Forming sentences that turn into paragraphs that fill an entire page. I’ve always had a journal with me and would write whenever something came to mind. I’m not sure if journaling is a project that I can get back into, but I plan to do so.
Writing things down in whatever capacity that I do is therapy for me. Even this blog, is a record of my thoughts, life, and revelations. I usually limit my journaling to when I’m having a hard time and just need to “put it all on paper.” But, I want to use my journal for more than just airing out my bad times. I want a Dream Journal, a Meditation Journal, a Gratitude Journal, and even a Random Thoughts journal! I want to get in the practice of writing in my journal more consistently.
This is a no-brainer. I can always take a fun-loving approach to life, especially when it comes to situations in my life that I tend to approach very seriously. The one area that I want to take this approach is in romantic relationships.
I have a knack for taking things too seriously with a guy when I feel that we’re getting along really well. In other words, I move too fast when I really like you. Another thing I do, that I noticed with Computer Love, is that I overthink a situation too much. I create scenarios and hypothetical situations that haven’t happened. I know that in some ways, it’s my way of protecting myself from getting hurt. I want to put myself back out into the dating world, but then I hesitate when feeling that I could make a real connection. On the flip side, I’ll entertain interactions that I should’ve left alone a long time ago, like HomieLoverFriend, because deep down I knew nothing would come of it. I felt that I had nothing to lose, but I always lose when I approach it like that.
So I do want to take a more fun-loving approach to love, but how? First…and this is the most difficult step, I have to get out of my head. Step out of my own way and become more carefree. Now, this is difficult at times because I can be serious and guarded and don’t give myself permission to just fall for someone. Even with Computer Love, I suppress the urge to just text him to let him know that I miss him because of how I felt our second date went wrong. But if I was taking a fun-loving approach, I could send the text anyway. A fun-loving approach would erase the seriousness of who and what we are and just get to just enjoying his company.
I’m going to show you something that I rarely show anybody online. You ready?
Yep, that’s me doing my best at a full length photo. I’m also wearing an outfit that has only seen the light of night once. Why am I showing this? Because my biggest insecurity is my body. I developed pretty early in life, which resulted in a lot of unwanted attention from men. I would be 12 years old walking down the street and have grown men yelling from their car windows, cat calling from across the street, and even had a few follow me to wherever I went. This lead me to do two things:
I started dressing in super baggy clothes to ward off unnecessary attention, and
I began to emotional eat through my feelings, which caused me to gain a lot of weight.
So over the years, I have hid behind my weight and the weight of my clothes; not really wanting anyone to see the complete package of me. Even when I was intimate, I would do so in the dark and already underneath layers of comforters before he even got his shorts off. So a few years back, I started working out and feeling really good about myself and decided that I wouldn’t be ashamed to try out the fashion of today. So I got this outfit. I was nervous to wear a crop top, because I always pegged this to be for women with flat stomachs. But I bought it anyway. I love this outfit. It’s cute.
But then I get on social media and I see women who are just beautiful beyond words. Curvy and Skinny. Athletic and Plus Size. I see what they post and see the likes they get and I shrink. I feel that I don’t measure up at all. I don’t feel at all in the realm of showing off my stuff because I don’t feel proud of my stuff. But I want to change that. Not to gain “likes” or random strangers ogling me (or worse, right-click saving). However, I have one body and I need to love it and all that it does for me, aside from look pretty good in clothes.
When I read this question, I started looking at it from a place of lack; what is it that I don’t have and really want? But…that’s not what this question is implying. So, I started thinking about what I have been denied of and to be truthfully, I couldn’t think or feel one thing. In this present moment, I have everything I want. My health is good, my family is good, my living situation (although not ideal) is good, my feelings about Computer Love have been reconciled, and my friendships are great. So what have I, a person who rarely enjoys shying away from a desire, been denying myself?
The freedom to just “Be”.
Over the weekend, I hung out with friends and their friends. Towards the end of the night when everyone (except me, I’m on a 10-day detox) was inebriated, one of the friends came up to me to tell me that I was being stand-offish the whole night. I smiled, and just said that even though I don’t say much, I very much enjoyed myself this evening. She took me being observant and introspective as being distant and closed off; a claim I’ve heard all of my life. But even then, I felt the need to turn “on” afterwards; laughing and chatting away, instead of just being comfortable and anchored in who it is that I am.
Sometimes, in my quest to not be judged off bat for who I am, I try to be a person that’ll make everyone around me comfortable. In that regard, I’m not only denying myself the beauty of being just me, but I deny others to really see the whole me. The authentic, radiant me; and I want to be appreciated, not tolerated. So starting today, I will give myself the freedom to just Be.
The Friend Zone has become one of my favorite podcasts to listen to on Wednesdays. In this particular episode, they touched on how we look for validation in relationships; specifically with the labels. As I relinquish all that is suppose to be with Computer Love, I realize that I’m forcing a relationship to happen. Why?
There’s a validation that comes with being in a relationship. For me, that validation means that you like me. That you like me so much, that no one else out in this world can compare to what I have within and you want to commit yourself to the prospect of us moving forward together in love and in life. Even with me coming to terms with the idea of marriage and wondering if that even fits into my own life, I still have this super rigid view on the term “relationship.” Why haven’t I surrendered to that, too? Because deep down, I still want to be needed by someone. I know that the title “girlfriend” doesn’t keep a man faithful or for him to even want to stay with me, however that title seems comforting. The title feels safe and secure. It lets me know and others that….I belong to someone.
Writing that out just now, made me see how foolish that seems to me. I don’t want to force anyone to commit to me. I don’t want to force anyone to be around me that doesn’t want to be around me. I know my worth and I’m going to start moving in that space more boldly. When the time comes, I’ll know, and you don’t have to put a label on that.
What barriers do I create that keep me from what I want?
I have an announcement. I have met someone new. I’ve known him quite sometime (via social media) but it always stayed on the app. Well, a few weeks ago, Computer Love and I decided to finally meet in person…and it was great! Instantly, I felt comfortable around him and I felt he was comfortable being himself around me. I felt that I had finally gotten it right. Then the next day….hesitation. My texts weren’t responded to in a timely fashion like they once were. I decided to invite him out, and he told me he made other plans. I started to feel stupid. Then, another familiar feeling came too: shutting down.
I would get mad at myself for not being able to stop thinking about him, that I would stay off our app; where he interacted with women much more attractive than I feel I am. Am I jealous? Once that came, then I began to bargain with the situation. I would tell myself, “If he’s nothing more than a night, then fine. We can just be stolen moments in the night.”
But I know that’s not what I want, even if it’s not with him. In that moment, I was shutting down and putting labels on our relationship as a means to protect myself and my feelings. Because the truth of the matter is, I do like him very much. In what capacity remains a mystery. I always felt we would be really good friends even before we met. However, if I want to cultivate more meaningful relationships in my life, I have to stay open. Which means, I can’t retreat every time something doesn’t go my way. I can’t pine for organic relationships if I find myself controlling every aspect of it.
Releasing my hesitation, while trusting my intuition (I’ll hopefully write about this later) has let me breathe a lot better. Now when I think about him, I feel a healthy flow between us. Based on our interactions since (and subsequent meet-ups), that flow is mutual.