100 Questions: Day 73

What barriers do I create that keep me from what I want? 

I have an announcement. I have met someone new. I’ve known him quite sometime (via social media) but it always stayed on the app. Well, a few weeks ago, Computer Love and I decided to finally meet in person…and it was great! Instantly, I felt comfortable around him and I felt he was comfortable being himself around me. I felt that I had finally gotten it right. Then the next day….hesitation. My texts weren’t responded to in a timely fashion like they once were. I decided to invite him out, and he told me he made other plans. I started to feel stupid. Then, another familiar feeling came too: shutting down. 

I would get mad at myself for not being able to stop thinking about him, that I would stay off our app; where he interacted with women much more attractive than I feel I am. Am I jealous? Once that came, then I began to bargain with the situation. I would tell myself, “If he’s nothing more than a night, then fine. We can just be stolen moments in the night.” 

But I know that’s not what I want, even if it’s not with him. In that moment, I was shutting down and putting labels on our relationship as a means to protect myself and my feelings. Because the truth of the matter is, I do like him very much. In what capacity remains a mystery. I always felt we would be really good friends even before we met. However, if I want to cultivate more meaningful relationships in my life, I have to stay open. Which means, I can’t retreat every time something doesn’t go my way. I can’t pine for organic relationships if I find myself controlling every aspect of it. 

Releasing my hesitation, while trusting my intuition (I’ll hopefully write about this later) has let me breathe a lot better. Now when I think about him, I feel a healthy flow between us. Based on our interactions since (and subsequent meet-ups), that flow is mutual. 

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