100 Questions: Day 75

What have I denied myself that I really want? 

When I read this question, I started looking at it from a place of lack; what is it that I don’t have and really want? But…that’s not what this question is implying. So, I started thinking about what I have been denied of and to be truthfully, I couldn’t think or feel one thing. In this present moment, I have everything I want. My health is good, my family is good, my living situation (although not ideal) is good, my feelings about Computer Love have been reconciled, and my friendships are great. So what have I, a person who rarely enjoys shying away from a desire, been denying myself?

The freedom to just “Be”.

Over the weekend, I hung out with friends and their friends. Towards the end of the night when everyone (except me, I’m on a 10-day detox) was inebriated, one of the friends came up to me to tell me that I was being stand-offish the whole night. I smiled, and just said that even though I don’t say much, I very much enjoyed myself this evening. She took me being observant and introspective as being distant and closed off; a claim I’ve heard all of my life. But even then, I felt the need to turn “on” afterwards; laughing and chatting away, instead of just being comfortable and anchored in who it is that I am.

Sometimes, in my quest to not be judged off bat for who I am, I try to be a person that’ll make everyone around me comfortable. In that regard, I’m not only denying myself the beauty of being just me, but I deny others to really see the whole me. The authentic, radiant me; and I want to be appreciated, not tolerated. So starting today, I will give myself the freedom to just Be.

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