What new beginning am I being guided to?
Let me just say that doing 100 questions has been a true labor of love. I definitely fell off a few times but I will say this: because of these questions, this became a year that I did some much needed self-reflection. These questions made me really delve into myself and really see where I am and where I need to change. I encourage anyone reading this to answer some (or all) of these questions in 2016.
Now, on to the final answer of 2015. The end of a year always brings about reflection and also goal setting in lieu of resolutions. For the past two weeks, I have truly been in a zone. I got a push from my spiritual guides to really set goals for myself this new year. Before, I was just going with the wind and picking goals for myself that sound great in theory, but I never saw come into fruition. Mostly because I was playing small. I’m being pushed to be greater than I have ever imagined myself to be. So for the last day of 2015, let’s decide to not play small, to take more risks, and to be okay with making mistakes.
What little act of kindness can I do today?
This one is easy. Give a compliment. Effortlessly and Sincerely.
What change can I make today?
Well this answer is easy for me today. I need a “new-new” routine. For the last 5 years, my routine consisted of me waking up every morning at 5 a.m. I would then give thanks for the day, set an intention, and by 5:30, I was doing some form of exercising. Since I prepped breakfast and lunch the night (or nights, I love leftovers) before, I used the 6-7 a.m. hour to get dressed for work. Then it was the 8 hours of being at my desk at work. Spend 45 minutes getting home sans traffic, rinse and repeat.
Now that I got laid off, I need a new routine because right now I don’t really have one. I wake up whenever I feel like it, run the errands that I feel like, revel in daytime naps, and watch marathons in between searching for employment or going on interviews. If I can be honest, a lot of what I couldn’t stand about my job, I have the freedom to do now, but I have to get serious. I have to get a plan into place and create a new “new” routine. What will it be? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’m a morning person who can’t stay asleep past 7 a.m. My day should start then. Still keeping in line with how my mornings used to go, when it comes down to my old commute and things to do at work, that can be fixed. I can squeeze time to have a nap if I choose. Maybe carve an hour or two just for some fun. Maybe switch up where I look for a job. Have lunch at a cafe. I’m setting the stage here for how I want my life to go. My routine should reflect that.
What action step can I take today that my future self will hug me for?
You know one of the potential pitfalls has been for me being a true, unrestricted dreamer? I lack the follow-through. I’ll see something that I want, or get a vision of what it is that I’m suppose to do, and then leave it up to fate how it’ll get done. While there’s nothing wrong with leaving things up to fate, I can admit that there are some dreams that require my follow-through on.
So the action step I can take today is…to just take action. If I know that I’m spiritually moved to live in California, my action would be to research places to live, search for job openings, and narrow down where in the state I could see myself living. Plan a trip out West. Find a Airbnb in a potential neighborhood. In this case, my “dream” of living in California becomes my reality because of the steps I plan to take.
Oh by the way, that’s actually a goal of mines. I’m sure my future self will give me the biggest bear hug in our apartment near the beach.
What payoff is no longer pleasing me?
Another one that I’ll keep very brief. There’s a song by one of my favorite groups, Little Jackie, that I would sing for months after finding out my college sweetheart had move on and found the love of his life.
In the chorus, the lead singer says one line that I would scream to the heavens: Love will find me eventually. At the time, I held that belief to be true; just stay still and continue to live your life and in time, you will love again. That if I just stop looking, that what I was looking for would come to me; I would find the love of my life.
Well, that thinking has only been a disservice to myself and here’s why. I have left experiencing love in the hands of someone else, or something else…instead of finding it within me. Love shouldn’t have to find me, love is already within me. Love isn’t a person, it’s an energy. So I’ll be spending time tapping into the love I already possess from now on.
When I listen to my heart, what does it say?
This post will be short and to the point. I have been experiencing rejection lately as I try to find another job before the new year. The majority of the jobs I apply for, I’m immediately disqualified for before I even make it to the next step. For the few that I have, the company eventually hired within the company. When I was laid off, I told myself that this was a perfect opportunity to regroup and refocus on what it is that I need to do with my life. Then all of a sudden, I started comparing myself to others. I began to feel unqualified and “not good enough.” I started to even doubt what I felt my Guides were telling me. Then, in the wee hours of the morning, my Guides whispered into my heart:
Just trust the Universe to provide you with what you need. It’s all right there, coming together for you. Just be patient.
It’s hard for me to trust the process fully sometimes, but when I do, it always works out. I just got a friendly reminder today.
When has scarcity or lack-based thought prevented me from doing what I love?
How many times have you uttered the words, “I don’t have the money to do that right now?” Maybe you’ve said, “When I get some free time, I’ll finally be able to ________.” I know for me, this is an ongoing conversation that I have with myself, but not as frequently.
Sometimes, it just takes a tiny shift in your thinking to truly change your outlook. For me, I wanted to get out and enjoy the city that I live in. But the narrative I always used was, “I don’t have a job. I can’t afford to go out.” So guess what happened? I started working, which of course produced an income. Then the narrative became, “I don’t have the time to go anywhere.” “I’m too tired and I have other things to do.” I stayed in this mind space for years; eventually spilling over into other aspects of my life, like my wellness and traveling. But underneath all of this “lack” laid an underlining issue that I couldn’t touch: I was afraid to go after what I loved…alone.
So, I started to really ask myself is it that I don’t HAVE time, or do I not MAKE the time? If I wanted to go to a Happy Hour, then all I needed was 20 minutes. And let me tell you, it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. Then Happy Hour turned to dinner at restaurants I always wanted to try out. Soon, it was going to the dance studio and taking classes. Soon, I didn’t mind doing things by myself because I always seem to attract like-minded people wherever I went. The lack of money (or so I thought) opened my eyes to how I just view money in general. I always “talk broke”; there’s never enough money to do anything…and if you believe in manifestations, then my reality matched it. It took years for me to shift from a lack of money, to knowing I have the money to do everything I needed and wanted to do. I would tell myself, “I have the money to do what I love. My needs are met.” and what I needed was either marked down or on sale. I started getting raises at work, too!
Thinking from a space of lack has a way of keeping you boxed in a prison of your own creation. It doesn’t feel like it because it feels comfortable and familiar. I know for some logical thinkers, “attitude of gratitude” thinkers grate their nerves; that it’s unrealistic. But there’s a saying we have that pretty much sums up scarcity and lack:
I’ll see it when I believe it.
Where can I be more understanding?
Yesterday, I had the amazing opportunity to take a yoga workshop called: Dancing with the Goddess. Doesn’t that just sound divine? Well, that workshop set a lot of things in motion for me that I will absolutely write in future blogs, but for the purpose of this answer I’ll share what happened to me during one of the meditations.
After doing a series of kundalini exercises, we were asked to observe not only our breaths, but how we’re feeling. While I felt a sense of calm within my own body, a voice said to me, You’re a late bloomer. Always have been. It doesn’t mean that you’re not in bloom, though. and tears immediately began to fall down from my face.
I get caught up (which is very easy in the age of social media) with seeing the growth of others and not within me. To me, it seems as if everyone else “gets it” and I feel that I’m always one step behind. That is the farthest from the truth. I just happen to learn in my own way, in my own time. If I’m going to be the best that I can be in this lifetime, I have to understand myself more and not hold my standards up to anyone else.
Where can I be more courageous with my heart?
Last night, I witnessed a series of tweets from a follower that really had me thinking. Of course, this is the time of year when we look back over the year to see what’s happened: the good, the bad, and the “you don’t even want to know.” But these series of tweets resonated with me; more like a confirmation because I had just reached that conclusion in my own inward reflection. There was one tweet she mentioned that really stood out for me. She said:
No need to continue doing small ass things when the purpose of you being on this earth wasn’t ever to be small or minimize yourself. – @missjia
I listen to my heart all the time, but the thought of acting on it always stifles me. Now, there are times when I push through that paralyzing fear, like my solo trip to South Africa, but I want to make more choices like that. When I do what feels right for me, it always works out in the end. Maybe because I sorta know the outcome of it, however I want to be that way with the unknown. If my heart is okay with being in between jobs, why would I allow outside factors to tell me I need to apply everywhere? That’s a disservice to me. That’s not courageous, that’s fear. If my heart is telling me that I’ll meet someone new, why would I entertain the old? Just to say I have someone? If I know in my heart that I need to move out on my own next year, why not take that leap? Afraid you don’t have what it takes to finally be out on your own sans parents and roommates? How will I know if I don’t take that risk?
When you’ve started over like I have, you pretty much know what’s the worse that can happen to you; because you’ve lived through it. But oftentimes, as I’ve seen with myself, we don’t want to live through it again. We don’t like to repeat the same thing because it tends to be an indicator that we haven’t learned. But life is all about cycles and the best thing about it is you have everything you need to succeed within you. So cheers to taking more risks in 2016!
What promise can I keep to myself?
Does simply saying that I promise to keep my promises count? Probably not, so here I go…
Since I was laid off from work, I have dedicated that time to really getting back into the things I’ve been missing out on. Being tied to a desk for 8 hours, a 90 minute commute both ways, and home chores after work left little to no room for any other pleasures in life, let alone the desire to. Year after year, I would see a movie trailer that I wanted to check out and I would constantly “promise” myself that I would go, only to find myself months later scouring through Netflix for the movie. I’ve seen flyers for concerts and events I wanted to attend, only to watch them vicariously from Instagram or YouTube clips on blogs. I got tired of breaking promises to friends, family, and myself. All because I was too tired to do anything else but stay in and catch up on sleep.
But why was I so tired? I treat sleep as a necessity in my life; religiously committing to 7 hours of sleep every night. It wasn’t until I was laid off that I realized that my job was draining me physically. Yes, I had my own office, but I had no windows. The demand of my job and my boss promising clients that I would “always be there” made me a permanent fixture at my office. I couldn’t go to the bathroom without someone calling my former boss to complain that I wasn’t at my desk at the precise moment that they needed me, even going as far as to fabricate the length of time that I was missing. I love the freedom and independence that my job provided initially, but soon came to realize that I was at the mercy of fickle guests and temperamental management. I knew that I needed to get out of my rut and add what I love into my life (taking time away from work, go to the movies, see a show, ect.) but that’s not the only promise I needed to make to myself.
In addition to me finally getting back to what I love and having the breathing room to do so, I’m making a promise to do my career differently. I promise to apply to jobs that I know I will thrive in. Jobs that will give me the freedom and independence that I need. I also feel the need to add this promise in as well:
When the job no longer serves your higher purpose or only feeds your bank account, promise that you won’t be afraid to leave it behind. I promise to pick myself up and trust that something better will come along.
I know to some this sounds impossible and even foolish, considering the job market and real-life responsibilities. However, I’ve settled for my last job. I promise you that.